ProctoreSimone Workshop Draft#2

  

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.  You did a great job at paraphrasing and eliminating some of your quotes in this draft.  I also found it much more fluent with good transitions.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?  Yes, it is very clear.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph? Yes, except having 4 reasons of support.

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?  This draft has 1347 words, falling a little short of the requirements.

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!  I give this draft an 8 because of the progress you have made from the first to second draft, especially the readability of this draft.

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?  In your opening statement you talk about meat comsumption beign a status lifestyle rather than a necessity.  I would like to understand that statement more. 

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?  As with any issue concerning the food industry, there are always those that say we need to feed our people at a cheaper cost. 

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them. There is some discussion about how multinational businesses control our food market but I don’t really see this issue being dealt with directly.  Thsi would be agood place to address this issue.  These large corporations are the ones who dictate what we eat and what the cost is.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?  You did a much better job with this second time around!

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?  Your transisitons are clear, I know what to expect in the next paragraph.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title? Like I said earlier, explain a little more about the status lifestyle. 

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).  The conclusion wraps up the whole paper, going over the main points, but also interjecting more of the writer’s stance on the issue. 

Research

14Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).  10 sources, I counted 4 scholarly/peer-reviewd sources.

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?  Fairly equal, 3 in-text citations was the most from one particular source.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?  I don’t think some of the in-text citations are done correctly because of using the first intial and last name.  The way I understand it is that only the last name needs to be used unless there is more than one source with the same last name.  There is also an in-text citation for the Vegetarian Resource Group that should be Chlebowski.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not). No

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.  No, this is an area that was much improved upon.  Good job!

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?  No

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.  Again, you improved alot in this area.

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.  Yes, good job!

Other? 

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?  I think you did a much better job with this draft!  There are a couple of word choices that I think you could do better on…I think the word “thrive” in your thesis would be better if it were “strive”.  Also, in the first paragraph where it says, “we ignore to set an example…”  it just doesn’t sound right to me.  Maybe something to look at.  Overall, I am very impressed with the changes that you have made.  I know how hard this is, well atleast for me, so to accomplish writing this paper is truly that…an accomplishment!! Good luck to you!

Advertisement