Research Draft Workshop: Polar Bears: Melting Away From Under Their Paws – Audrey Palacios

1) The amount of information that was presented in your essay was laudable.  Having read your essay, I can say that I now know more about polar bears than I ever did.

2) Do you have any concerns with regard to your draft?

3) Yes, you put forth your opinion that polar bears are at risk from several factors.

4) Yes, tis in the correct format.

5) 1548 words

6) I found this paper to be a five on the rating scale; I really am not that interested in polar bears.

7) It would be beneficial to add numbers related to the amount of poison in the ocean.

8) Someone might object that the levels of poison is not a concern.  They might also say that global warming is a hoax.  You haven’t put forth any defense against this, so you may want to.

9) You have not dealt with the objections, I would suggest that in the fourth or fifth paragraph you do so.

10) The relationship between each paragraph and the thesis is clear.  Good job!

11) The transition from each paragraph is good, but an extra sentence in each leading up to the next one would be great.

12) The title of your essay is good, it gives the reader a general idea of what to expect.  I would however try another form of capturing the reader’s attention, because most readers already assume harsh living conditions for polar bears.  You could perhaps draw the reader in with an appeal to aid the polar bears.

13) Your conclusion starts with a restatement of your conclusion.  Also, in that sentence, the wording “…is major causes…” would read better as “…are major causes…”, because the causes are plural.  Additionally, the concluding paragraph’s second to last sentence needs more scope and definition; more specifically, how would you educate the people and what are the concerns/issues that people are ignorant of.  The word also is not the best way to start that sentence, as the final sentence starts with although and results in a halting conclusion.

14) Yes, the minimum ten sources are in the referendum.

15) Audrey equally uses all of her sources.

16) She only has one in text citation, and it is correctly sourced.

17) I believe that you use all your sources, but it would help if you could put a line between each separate source so that they can be easily distinguished.

18) No, the essay is your own.  The use of sources is balanced by your own words and opinions.

19) No, no quotations are longer than two lines.

20) You only have one quotation, the rest is paraphrase.  So no, you do not need to paraphrase.

21) The author interjects her own opinion after her quote.

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