RESEARCH DRAFT #1 WORKSHOP FOR Z. BOHAN

 

Overall

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

Gives the impression of a passionate viewpoint

 

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

Unable to contact author.

 

Thesis

 

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes.

 

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

Not bolded or underlined.

 

Content

 

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

1174

 

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

5, good overall message but not enough to back it up

 

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

Needs more specific information about how medication is having a dangerous effect on the environment, people, and other life

 

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

Flushing medicine is cheaper.

 

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

This should be discussed in the section dealing with proper disposal.

 

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

Yes, the relationship is clear.

 

Style

 

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

The transitions are rather abrupt and awkward.

 

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

Pretty decent, gives some interesting background info

 

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

I don’t think it should say “in conclusion”, but the overall message of the last sentence is legitimate.

 

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

No

 

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

No sources

 

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

No in-text citations

 

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

No reference list

 

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

No quotations

 

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

No

 

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

No quotations

 

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

No quotations

 

Other?  

 

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

Try to make it flow a little better. It reads a bit awkward.

 

Essay 3 Proposal – Recycling: A Necessary Step Forward

Recycling is not a new concept; yet for many, it is still a foreign one. The reason for this is the simple lack of availability in many areas around the United States. Recycling is not required in most areas, including Alaska. With the lack of federal government regulations requiring recycling there is little incentive for regular people to do anything but dispose of their waste in the trash. Today, recycling is a controversial issue around our nation. It is more expensive than simply disposing the waste in a landfill. Many people don’t like to be told what to do with their waste. In Fairbanks, there is no government mandated recycling for common items like paper, plastic, glass, or aluminum. Private organizations and business have set up a de facto recycling infrastructure in the city. It is totally up to the consumer to transport their recyclables to a disposal site. JL Properties owns Sophie Plaza apartments and has agreements with the city for normal pickup of trash placed in the dumpsters. JL Properties also has an obligation to improve the waste disposal setup located on their property. Although recycling points exist in Fairbanks, JL Properties should place recycling bins at Sophie Plaza because it would be more convenient, result in less waste, and portray a positive image.

One of the main reasons why recycling is still a niche activity is because of the lack of a convenient place to dispose of recyclables. Currently, if you want to recycle anything you must transport everything to designated locations yourself. These places are most notably located at the University of Alaska campus, Walmart, Alaska Waste, and K&K Recycling. All of these are located in the Fairbanks area. Because of this, most people are either unaware of recycling opportunities in Fairbanks or find the additional burden of transporting items too inconvenient. This is understandable, simply due to the fact that not everyone has access to needed transportation. Placing recycle bins at the point where people currently dispose of their trash would be a sensible alternative. Sophie Plaza currently has two trash dumpsters for each apartment building. Placing four additional bins at each dumpster would satisfy the need for a convenient point of disposal. This would require at least forty bins for the entire apartment complex.

With a convenient location available for disposal, the amount of recyclable materials ending up in the dumpsters and landfill would be reduced. An extremely large percentage of everyday waste generated by a typical household is recyclable. This includes paper, plastic, glass, and aluminum. Moving this waste into other bins will result in less waste being put into the dumpsters so fewer pickups will be required by the city. The only change that would be required by an individual would be to sort their own disposables. Once people get in the habit of sorting, recycling becomes second nature. Recycling disposable items could also lead people into donating used items instead of throwing them away so they don’t end up in the landfill.

Although recycling is a controversial subject to some, most would agree that it is undoubtedly a good thing. Recycling has almost no drawbacks besides some additional added cost. It is good for the environment, creates jobs, and improves communities. All of this portrays a positive image to the local community. The more people are exposed to recycling, the more popular it will become. Fairbanks needs a push in the right direction and adding recycling bins at Sophie Plaza is an obvious solution to a real problem. Being able to recycle materials near their home may spur people into recycling things like old phones and televisions once they realize that those opportunities exist. The positive image of Sophie Plaza may lead to an increase in the number of tenants which would lead to more revenue.

JL Properties can easily fix the problem of having no recycling bins. Buying the bins and placing them near the dumpsters would have an immediate effect. After the upfront cost of purchasing the bins, the only maintenance costs would be for transportation. Social responsibility should not only be shouldered on governments, but private organizations too. We are all responsible for environmental issues that we cause, and every small step that we take towards fixing them will help in the long term. Recycling is an important step for any community to implement. After many decades of mandatory recycling, most European countries have ended up placing the act with normal every day occurrences. Recycling is now a part of everyday life, and to not recycle would seem out of place and strange. With the right mindset and attitude, JL Properties can spur some real change in our community.

RESEARCH DRAFT #1 WORKSHOP FOR K. ROSEBERRY

Overall

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

The author has some wonderful sources that really help as evidence to their argument.  In addition, she does well in introducing the sources.  I also feel that the reader uses these sources and facts to keep the reader’s attention.  Even simpler ones such as the National Geographic Kids source brings interesting tidbits to keep the reader engaged.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that she had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

Let me know of any concerns you may have and I am willing to help!

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

The author’s opinion is clearly expressed; however, I do not believe the “In my opinion” phrase should be used in the thesis.  This opens up the paper to be an opinion piece rather than an informative argument.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support)?  Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

The thesis follows the format, using “although-because-3 reasons”, but the wording could be changed in order to flow better.  I find the thesis confusing; I am not sure which three points I am about to read about.  Maybe say something like, “the changing environment greatly affects 1, 2, and 3” rather than splitting the phrase in half, providing a whole other topic.  Does this make sense…?

Content                                                                                                 

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

1494 words

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

The paper went a little off track in places that caused the reader to backtrack and regain understanding.  With numerous punctuation and spelling errors, this paper needs to be revised in order to provide a smooth flow for reading.  There seemed to be a lot of places where the voice changed when bringing in a source, but the source was not quoted, so it seemed misleading.  If the source is brought in word-for-word, it needs to be in quotation marks.  There were obvious places where quotation marks could have been used.  If the author insists on paraphrasing, then the paper’s voice should not be changing drastically.  With the confusing paragraph breaks, this paper needs some more meat in it in order to make those breaks seem worthwhile.  There are some excellent ideas presented, but the structure needs to be worked on in order to present these ideas in the best way possible.  Overall, I would give this paper a 4 on the scaled.  It’s a start, but it needs some work.  The author needs to read the paper out loud to understand where some changes can be made to make for a smoother read paper.

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

The author needs to focus on paragraph breaks.  The question needs to be asked, what is this paragraph’s purpose?  If there is not a purpose for that paragraph, then it needs to gain one or be deleted entirely.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

The author points out that Alaska Natives disagree with the argument, but it is not discussed as to what their point of view is.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

Rather than simply mentioning there is an argument already out there, discuss their point of view throughout the paper.  Argue with the Alaska Native’s perspective and point out ways they may be wrong.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

The paragraphs tie with the thesis, but the author could focus the reader’s attention back on the thesis at the end of each paragraph in order to create a stronger paper.

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

Attempt at transitioning can be found in some areas, but most of the time, the author jumps to another topic before wrapping up the previous one.  With such small paragraphs, there is not enough time to introduce an idea and wrap it up so the author simply moves on to another topic.  Combine paragraphs or elaborate on the ones that have been created; two sentences does not create a paragraph – it barely creates an idea.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

The opening catches the reader’s attention by introducing a story.  It paints a warming story and then ruins it with the ideas about to be introduced in the paper.  While the introduction grabs the reader’s attention quickly, it needs to continue holding the reader all the way to the thesis.  This transition from the story to the thesis can be worked on a little.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

The author rewords the thesis in the conclusion; however, leaves the reader at that.  This is a great opportunity to recap the main points, rather than listing them in a restated thesis.  Remind the readers what they just read about.  In addition, leave the reader with a thought-provoking statement.  After the thesis, the author cut the paper short.  There should be meat on both sides of the recapped thesis.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database)?

The draft contains only 9 sources on the reference list; however, one citation is not accounted for in the list: Courtland, 2008.  The author uses enough peer-reviewed sources.

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

The author does a good job at equally using the sources rather than relying on one or two.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

In-text citations are used properly and effectively.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not)?

The author uses all sources listed on the reference list.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc. in her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

The author does well at balancing opinion with facts.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

There are no quotations.

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

No quotations were used.

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

The author only used paraphrasing, but did not comment on all facts introduced into the paper.

Other

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

Read your paper out loud.  After staring at a research paper for so long, it seems to jumble together, but take the time to read it out loud and find those silly things such as punctuation and spelling errors that can easily be fixed.  This also helps you to find a sense of where the paper is really going.  Ask yourself what the point is for every paragraph and every source.  If it does not make sense to include it, then do not include it.  You have great evidence to get you going, but you need to work on structuring the paper in a way that this evidence can be presented in the most effective ways.  Be confident in your writing.  Do not use phrases such as, “in my opinion,” “supposedly,” and “may be.”  This does not portray confidence.  This is your paper; stand up for it.  Great first draft – keep going!

RESEARCH DRAFT #1 WORKSHOP FOR A. SCHULTZ

Overall

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

The author does well at tying ideas together as to not jump from one topic to the next.  The paper does not seem scrambled with thoughts and reads smoothly.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that she had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

I am happy to help with any concerns you have with your paper.  Just let me know!

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes, the thesis clearly shows the author’s opinion.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support)?  Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

It most certainly follows the format and is bolded.

Content                                                                                        

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

1219 words

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

The topic itself is intriguing and with the facts brought into the paper, it reads like an interesting article.  I found that the paper included an excess amount of lists, which distracted from the paper’s flow.  In the fourth paragraph, the author includes a list that goes on for two lines.  When the reader hits lists like these, it becomes a turnoff for the paper.  In addition, when the author is not listing certain elements, she continues to uses phrases such as, “more and more”, “less and less”, and “worse and worse”.  These phrases alone, give a “list feeling” that begins to become obvious to the reader.  It is almost as if the author uses these phrases to fill in empty space.  Overall, I would give the paper a 6 on the scale.  It has some excellent elements, but in order to portray them, a few things need to be changed.

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

The author uses some great sources to help develop her ideas.  I believe she could go into more detail as to what a few terms mean in case the reader is not familiar with the subject (e.g. bycatch).  In addition, there are a few places where the author can elaborate on the subject (e.g. “state-of-the-art equipment”).

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

I always find it difficult to come up with objections when a paper is presented with such great evidence.  I believe the author could touch on the industrial fishing goal from another perspective in order to cover all her bases.  She explains the goal of industrial fishing, but does not present a way to avoid depleting the fish population.  If these fishermen work toward catching food for the human population, what can they do to succeed in their jobs without harming the habitat?

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

As mentioned above, this objection would be discussed in the second paragraph along with the industrial fishing discussion.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

Each paragraph does well at relating back to the thesis.  In the fourth paragraph, the author wraps up the subject by directly focusing the reader back to the thesis.  It would be nice if this could happen after the second and third paragraph, as well.

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

The transitions help the paragraphs link together; however, they seem to put a “list” to the paragraphs in the paper: “first, another, finally”.  Maybe work on removing that “list” feeling…

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

The author does well at showing why the ocean is a vital part of our world; however, the first sentence could be a little more attention grabbing.  Also, the use of “they, they, they” in the following sentences begin to create a list, losing the reader: “who is the they again?”  Combining sentences or re-wording certain areas could easily solve this.  Maybe the last sentence before the thesis could be combined in the first sentence of the introduction to grab the reader’s attention more: show that because the ocean is such a large part of our world, it is important to preserve it.  Then show why it is such a vital part.  All the elements are there to make a great introduction, but maybe move some things around and re-word sentences to make for a stronger structure.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

The author does not restate the thesis and wraps up the paper in a way to leave the reader thinking on his/her own; however, I believe the author should still recap what was discussed in the paper.  Go back to the thesis and touch on each topic, reminding the reader of the main points.  At least restate the thesis or mention the three subjects.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database)?

There are 10 sources, but the author needs more peer-reviewed/scholarly sources.

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

The author uses each source once throughout the paper.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

In-text citations are used throughout the paper; however, there is quite a bit of information in those paragraphs, so it could be easy to miss a citation where an idea was borrowed.  Double check.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not)?

The author uses each source once, but does not cite the FOA source.  I see where she introduces the source, but no citation is included.  Also, the citation portion of Erzini needs to be corrected; it is written as its own sentence.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc. in her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

There is the right balance of sources and opinion.  Just make sure everything written is being cited properly.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

Actually, the author does not use any quotations – only facts from sources.

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

Again, no quotations are used.

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

Since there are not any quotations, this question does not apply.

Other

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

I found this to be a great first draft.  As always, a paper can use improvement, but I thought it was off to a great start with some strong elements to get the ball rolling. One thing that I have not mentioned in this feedback, but I find should be suggested, would be the breakdown of paragraphs.  I understand the format of the paper; however, the length of the three middle paragraphs seems like too much.  There is a lot of information packed into those paragraphs and I feel like if they were broken down a little more, into multiple paragraphs, it would read smoother and not feel like such a handful – just a lot.  Great writing!

WORKSHOP FOR K.JOHNSON

Draft #1

Workshop for K.JOHNSON

 

 

Overall

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

She presents her case with strong facts to backup her thesis.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

 

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Although the way Johnson has chosen to word her thesis is a little rough, she states her opinion with confidence and urgency.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

Yes

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

1,228

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

7

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

As the reader, I would like to be shown examples of actual cases of health problems due to PM or ozone levels.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

One might point out that there is no solid evidence of high levels of health problems due to PM or ozone.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

She has.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

Yes

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

Smooth paragraph transition.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

The author grabs the reader’s attention by a blow to the heart. What I mean by this is she states that children are dying too early, most readers will feel sorrow when this is presented to them and then they will want to know more.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

The conclusion presents solution, and comes back to the thesis in a new way. In my opinion, this is a great way to end the paper.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

Yes

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

Relatively equal use

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

Yes

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

No

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

No

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

Yes

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

No

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

No

Other?  

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?