1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.
The author does well at tying ideas together as to not jump from one topic to the next. The paper does not seem scrambled with thoughts and reads smoothly.
2. Ask the author for one particular concern that she had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.
I am happy to help with any concerns you have with your paper. Just let me know!
3. Does the author clearly express her opinion of the topic in the thesis?
Yes, the thesis clearly shows the author’s opinion.
4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support)? Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?
It most certainly follows the format and is bolded.
5. How many words is the draft, not including References?
6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!
The topic itself is intriguing and with the facts brought into the paper, it reads like an interesting article. I found that the paper included an excess amount of lists, which distracted from the paper’s flow. In the fourth paragraph, the author includes a list that goes on for two lines. When the reader hits lists like these, it becomes a turnoff for the paper. In addition, when the author is not listing certain elements, she continues to uses phrases such as, “more and more”, “less and less”, and “worse and worse”. These phrases alone, give a “list feeling” that begins to become obvious to the reader. It is almost as if the author uses these phrases to fill in empty space. Overall, I would give the paper a 6 on the scale. It has some excellent elements, but in order to portray them, a few things need to be changed.
7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?
The author uses some great sources to help develop her ideas. I believe she could go into more detail as to what a few terms mean in case the reader is not familiar with the subject (e.g. bycatch). In addition, there are a few places where the author can elaborate on the subject (e.g. “state-of-the-art equipment”).
8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?
I always find it difficult to come up with objections when a paper is presented with such great evidence. I believe the author could touch on the industrial fishing goal from another perspective in order to cover all her bases. She explains the goal of industrial fishing, but does not present a way to avoid depleting the fish population. If these fishermen work toward catching food for the human population, what can they do to succeed in their jobs without harming the habitat?
9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.
As mentioned above, this objection would be discussed in the second paragraph along with the industrial fishing discussion.
10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?
Each paragraph does well at relating back to the thesis. In the fourth paragraph, the author wraps up the subject by directly focusing the reader back to the thesis. It would be nice if this could happen after the second and third paragraph, as well.
11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?
The transitions help the paragraphs link together; however, they seem to put a “list” to the paragraphs in the paper: “first, another, finally”. Maybe work on removing that “list” feeling…
12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?
The author does well at showing why the ocean is a vital part of our world; however, the first sentence could be a little more attention grabbing. Also, the use of “they, they, they” in the following sentences begin to create a list, losing the reader: “who is the they again?” Combining sentences or re-wording certain areas could easily solve this. Maybe the last sentence before the thesis could be combined in the first sentence of the introduction to grab the reader’s attention more: show that because the ocean is such a large part of our world, it is important to preserve it. Then show why it is such a vital part. All the elements are there to make a great introduction, but maybe move some things around and re-word sentences to make for a stronger structure.
13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).
The author does not restate the thesis and wraps up the paper in a way to leave the reader thinking on his/her own; however, I believe the author should still recap what was discussed in the paper. Go back to the thesis and touch on each topic, reminding the reader of the main points. At least restate the thesis or mention the three subjects.
14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database)?
There are 10 sources, but the author needs more peer-reviewed/scholarly sources.
15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?
The author uses each source once throughout the paper.
16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?
In-text citations are used throughout the paper; however, there is quite a bit of information in those paragraphs, so it could be easy to miss a citation where an idea was borrowed. Double check.
17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not)?
The author uses each source once, but does not cite the FOA source. I see where she introduces the source, but no citation is included. Also, the citation portion of Erzini needs to be corrected; it is written as its own sentence.
18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc. in her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.
There is the right balance of sources and opinion. Just make sure everything written is being cited properly.
19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?
Actually, the author does not use any quotations – only facts from sources.
20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.
Again, no quotations are used.
21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.
Since there are not any quotations, this question does not apply.
Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?
I found this to be a great first draft. As always, a paper can use improvement, but I thought it was off to a great start with some strong elements to get the ball rolling. One thing that I have not mentioned in this feedback, but I find should be suggested, would be the breakdown of paragraphs. I understand the format of the paper; however, the length of the three middle paragraphs seems like too much. There is a lot of information packed into those paragraphs and I feel like if they were broken down a little more, into multiple paragraphs, it would read smoother and not feel like such a handful – just a lot. Great writing!
Filed under: Fall 2011, Wildlife, Workshop | Leave a Comment »