Research Draft 2 Workshop for Shang Zhang

Overall

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

The author uses many references. It gives readers more information, and provides reliable resource.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

There are many grammar mistakes. The best way to solve this problem is to go to the writing center.

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes. The thesis is traditional, and I can see the connection between thesis and reasons clearly.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

Yes.

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

2,694

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

8. It is really a good topic and we can learn lots about it.

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

The author should write more about his opinions. I can find some strong examples but I can’t find some strong opinions.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

I only see the disadvantage about the fossil fuel. The author should talk about both advantage and disadvantage.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

No. The author could write some fuels that we will use in the future.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

No. Use some concise words to connect paragraphs.

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

No. The author should care about transition.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

Yes. The author uses a good topic and title.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

The concluding paragraph seems separately. I think author should rewrite the last paragraph.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database.)

Yes.

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

Yes

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

The in-text citations are done correctly, author should care about it.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

No.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

No.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

No.

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

No.

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

No.

Other?

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

I think you can do a well job in your final paper.

 

Essay 2 Book Review – CO2 Fight: The Battle for CO2 Control

 Essay 2 Book Review – CO₂ Fight: The Battle for CO2 Control

Kimberly Johnson

ENG 213

“Stop the human-made CO₂ emissions.” “Fossil Fuels are bad!” “The CO₂ emissions being used worldwide are causing global warming.” Global warming is a result of anthropogenic degradation of the environment; the major platform for managing global warming is the idea of lowering human-made CO₂ emissions. These are popular views in regards to CO₂ emissions. The media has proclaimed human-made CO₂ emissions as the cause of global warming and advocate the dire need for governments to reform CO₂ emissions.  These are the “alarmist’s” platform for global warming. Although alarmists are implementing programs to lower “human-made” CO₂ emissions, Ralph B. Alexander’s book, Global Warming False Alarm: The Bad Science Behind the United Nations’ Assertion that Man-made CO₂ Causes Global Warming, demonstrates why spending money to reduce CO₂ emissions is a waste of resources because cloud feedback is a negative feedback system reducing global warming, CO₂ and temperature have short-term trends, and CO₂ levels were behind temperature levels during the ice age.

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) founded in 1988 proclaimed the worldwide opinion on global warming. Based on its title, many would assume that this agency is compelled to work towards finding the issues behind the causes of global warming. Unfortunately, this is not how the agency is run. The scientific method necessary for the proper findings of data collection and analysis is not followed by the IPCC but instead is driven mainly through political agendas. The IPCC has “found” that human-made CO₂ emissions cause global warming based on unethical means, false data collection, and analysis, despite evidence proving otherwise (Alexander, 2009). Despite the mounting evidence against the findings of the IPCC concluding that human-made CO₂ does not cause global warming, the “skeptics” of this hypothesis are not listened to and rarely presented to the public. This has caused the implementation of extremely expensive programs such as the Cap-and-trade system in an attempt to lower human-made CO₂ emissions. The general idea behind the protocol is to lower worldwide CO₂ production by imposing national limits or caps, in the form of tradable allowances to emit so many tons of CO₂ per year (Alexander, 2009).

There is mounting evidence demonstrating that human-made CO₂ is not causing global warming. One major conflict with the findings is IPCC’s reasoning for their claims. IPCC states that human-made CO₂ is the culprit behind global warming due to clouds being a positive feedback system. If clouds were a positive feedback system it would imply that they play a role in the accumulation of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. In reality the cloud feedback is a negative feedback system, which reduces global warming, not rises. In a recent study conducted by the University of Alabama through satellite observation, there was found to be a strong negative cloud feedback system that occurs in nature. The study found that clouds are involved in a cooling effect that occurs as a result of a negative feedback system. These findings are opposite of what the IPCC found with computer simulation, which models climate and did not have the proper parameters to demonstrate a negative feedback system.

The recent claim that human-made CO₂ causes global warming is based on a correlation between a rise in both temperature and CO₂ rates only over a short span in history. CO₂ concentration has changed along with temperature during the modern warming period since 1850 (Alexander, 2009). To make a conclusion at the level that the IPCC has would require that CO₂ emissions cause temperatures to rise and lower throughout history. Data from the last 2000 years shows that CO₂ and temperature do not cause one or the other to move up or down. It has also been found that since 2002, temperature levels have been descending despite CO₂ emission levels continuing to rise. This inverse relationship should not be occurring if the IPCC hypothesis were correct.

CO₂ emissions must follow temperature trends throughout time for IPCC’s claim that human-made emissions cause global warming. There has been data found that there was a long lag from past ice ages between CO₂ levels and the temperature. The data shows that rise and falls in CO₂ occurred 600-800 years after the corresponding temperature changes (Alexander, 2009). The earth has had known periods such as the ice age as well as mini ice ages, and heated periods called the Medieval Warm Period and Little Ice Age.  These periods in time demonstrate the cooling and heated periods, which suggest that climate change is a natural process and not due to human-made CO₂ emissions.

The mounting scientific evidence against IPCC hypothesis is not widely known. In his book, author Ralph Alexander takes against alarmists’ beliefs, showing CO₂ is not causing global warming. His book brings needed information to the public making them aware of the true situation behind CO₂ involvement in temperature increases. It also brings to light the costly programs implemented to lower human-made CO2, which will ultimately not help temperature increases.  Details throughout Alexander’s novel are given of the IPCC findings as well as details as to why they were incorrect. The false data does not help the world rather harms the people that are struggling economically. This novel provides the necessary information to properly understand the skeptic’s views on global warming. Showing this view, which is misunderstood, is key to the elimination of wasted financial draining programs. CO₂ emission reform is currently being implemented in industrial countries and is continuing to be increased around the world. In the U.S around 85 % of energy consumption is carbon-based. Alternative energy programs and Cap-and-trade systems will affect the poor mainly with higher costs of living and loss of jobs (Alexander, 2009).

Loss of jobs and higher costs of living in an already struggling economy in order to reduce CO₂ emission that is not actually causing global warming is too costly and unreasonable to continue. Data provided by the IPCC showing a reason for CO₂ emissions to be lowered are not based on factual evidence but by skewed data and political manipulation. The world should not continue costly endeavors to lower CO2 emissions as a means to stop global warming.

 

Reference list:

 

Alexander, R. B. (2009). Global Warming False Alarm: The Bad Science Behind the United Nations’ Assertion that Man-made Co2 Causes Global Warming. (1 ed., pp. 1-178). Vilas, NC: Canterbury Publishing.

 

Karoseberry2 Workshop Draft 2

Karoseberry2 Workshop Draft 2

 

 

WORKSHOP TEMPLATE

 

Overall

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

Illustrating the life of polar bears. A picture is painted in the descriptive way the polar bears are surviving and what they are going through. I knew there was change going on to the habitat of polar bears but did not visualize what is happening to them.

 

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

Any concerns you have?

 

Thesis

 

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes, it is clear they should not be removed from the endangered list despite local opinion of the Alaska natives is the argument of the paper.

 

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support)? Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

 

Although Alaskan Natives disagree with it, the polar bear should remain on the endangered species list because their changing environment negatively influences their hunting, energy, and reproduction.

 

Content

 

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

 

1927

 

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

I give this paper a 10, extremely interesting. The information about what happens to the young polar bears for example the mother and cub swimming for over 400 miles and the cub didn’t make it. These stories keep me reading more become more interested in what was going on with the polar bears.

 

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

 

I liked the example that polar bears walk as quietly as the snow falling. But where is the proof. I think having a few more citations on the polar bears behavior would add more creditability to the paper.

 

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

 

Not that many polar bears are affected. These are only a few examples not the majority of the polar bears are affects. Also that hunting polar bears is important to Alaska native’s ability to survive in the harsh climate as well.

 

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

 

Briefly mentions a compromise to the Alaska Natives. But I do think adding more how it would benefit the Natives would be more persuasive I would think. Like reminding them that lowering hunting amounts of polar bears would allow for the population to grow again providing long term sustainable hunting in later years for there children.

 

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

 

I think the connections are clear and well done.

 

Style

 

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

 

Easy transitions are done throughout.

 

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

 

Yes! Vary good use of words to paint a picture of day of a polar bear. I like the title. I think it is clear and concise.

 

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

 

I think it would be good to make it less of a passive voice. Instead of decent compromise say it is a good compromise. Something to show that is how it should be rather then a sacrifice on the native’s part. Also I think adding to how it is best for the Alaska natives to allow polar bear pollution to grow is beneficial would be good to add too.

 

Research

 

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database)?

10 sources

 

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

Good use of support.

 

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

No I feel that the behavior of the polar bears should be cited as well as Alaska Native opinion. Who said Natives think polar bears are fine?

 

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not)?

References that were used were good.

 

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

 

No there is a good amount of opinion in this paper. Argumentative paper as well.

 

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

 

They are all used well throughout the paper.

 

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

Good use of quotations.

 

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

No.

 

Other?  

 

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

 

Great paper. I had no idea. Never took the time to think what was happening to polar bears and you really bring the reader right to the problem. You’re almost so descriptive you rub it in our face making me feel I need to do something about this.  Continue with the great descriptions that is your strong suit.

Essay 3 Proposal – Lighting the Way: One light bulb at a time

 Essay 3 Proposal – Lighting the Way: One light bulb at a time

Kimberly Johnson

English 213

 

Many Americans are hearing of ways to lower emissions, conserve energy and protect the planet. One simple method is commonly overlooked as a useful solution for lowering emissions and conserving energy. Traditional light bulbs are used for lighting nearly everywhere around the world. This major worldwide use gives rise the need to lower energy used in lighting, creating a more efficient means for lighting the world, which involves changing our light bulbs. Switching to energy efficient light bulbs is a more productive method for everyone to follow. It is a simple solution and gives large results, despite many people feeling switching a light bulb is not very helpful as a solution to conserving and lowing emissions for the world. It has been found that if every American just replaced one light bulb with an energy efficient light bulb, the energy saving results are enough to light 3 million homes for a year as well as save roughly 600 million in annual energy costs and prevent 9 billion pounds of greenhouse gas emissions per year (U.S Environmental Protection Agency).  Results such as these demonstrate the usefulness of the movement for people to switch light bulbs with energy efficient light bulbs. Everyone should participate in switching traditional light bulbs to the alternative energy efficient light bulbs. Although the office of AMG at UAF is small, employees should switch the light bulbs to energy efficient bulbs because it would lower emissions, save energy and allows energy to be in used in different areas instead of business lighting. 

The energy used throughout the world continues to rise and affect the environment. By switching to high-energy efficient light bulbs everyone can contribute to providing a solution to the damages that are occurring to the environment due to human-made overuse of energy. Energy efficient light bulbs use less energy then what are traditionally used. Energy efficient light bulbs also last a lot longer then traditional bulbs and produce less heat, which increases safety standards for light bulbs as well, not to mention save money on buying fewer light bulbs. These benefits show that switching light bulbs to energy efficient light bulbs is beneficial and need to be done. Lowering greenhouse gases is commonly known to be important for the environment. Human-made pollution is continuing to rise and effect the environment negatively.  Energy efficient light bulbs are a constructive solution to lowering emissions. The office called Advanced Materials Group (AMG) at UAF is a small research office. There are four employee offices in this building with roughly twenty traditional light bulbs. If this office changes just the office lights it would bring environmental and economic benefits. This initiative taken by employees would lower emissions created from greenhouse gases.

The use of energy efficient lighting will allow the office to save money and energy. In turn, this would allow the saved money to be put towards research projects instead of lighting. Just by conserving energy it lowers the amount of greenhouse gas emissions as well.  Since traditional light bulbs do not last as long, replacing them with energy efficient light bulbs is a great way to conserve energy since they last so much longer and use less energy to produce the same function as traditional light bulbs.

Conserving energy and lowering emission are not the only benefits from switching to energy efficient light bulbs. The energy that would otherwise be wasted in traditional lighting can be reallocated to other energy needs. Reallocating energy is a great way to use conserved energy.

Lowering emissions, conserving energy and allowing energy to not be wasted and used in other areas instead of lighting demonstrate the promise that energy efficient lighting brings. The office has only a few offices and each member could easily change the light bulbs with an energy efficient light bulb in there own office. It would be a simple way for the employees to lower emission costs, protecting the planet from harmful greenhouse gases.

Switching lighting is simple and would not need to be done often since energy efficient light bulbs last much longer then traditional lighting. AMG can easily participate in an easily attainable solution to help the environmental damage that is currently happening. Current lighting systems around that nation are wasting energy and producing large amounts of greenhouse gases. If AMG takes a small step it can bring forward great advantages to the environment while saving money in lighting as well as save time by not needing to switch lighting as often.  Taking incentive to move away from the use of traditional lighting to energy efficient lighting is easy and beneficial. Save energy and reallocate what would have been wasted on lighting to be used in different areas for energy needs.

 

Reference List:

Light bulbs for consumers. Retrieved from U.S Environmental Protection Agency website: http://www.energystar.gov/index.cfm?fuseaction=find_a_product.showProductGroup&pgw_code=LB

Research Draft 2: Workshop for S. Zhang

Overall

1.      What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

The author provides the reader with a lot of factual information. It seems as if they did a lot of research and put a lot of effort into developing and writing their paper.

2.      Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

My biggest concern was grammar and wording. For example, in the third paragraph, they state “fossil fuel such as coal, oil and gas mainly consist large amount of carbon and hydrogen.” They could reword it instead as, “Fossil fuels such as coal, oil, and gas consist of large amounts of carbon and hydrogen.” Just make sure to read your sentences carefully and out loud so that it makes sense.

Thesis

3.      Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

The author clearly expresses their opinion with a lot of detail and factual information. They also provide strong evidence in supporting it.

4.      Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro    paragraph?

The author follows the correct format for writing a thesis statement as well as bolds it at the end of the introductory paragraph.

Content

5.      How many words is the draft, not including References? 

2,694 words

6.       On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

It was about a 6. I felt that that it was an interesting topic. They did however have a lot of information that got overwhelming at times had.

7.      Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

I think that the author has developed too many ideas and has provided too many examples. They should review their paper and choose only the most important arguments and examples and cut out a lot of the rest.

8.      What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

What are the costs associated with getting rid of fossil fuels?

In your thesis you discussed alternatives to fossil fuels such as solar, tide, and wind energy. How do they work?

What about the benefits of fossil fuels?

9.      Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

They have not dealt with them. They could discuss it in the paragraphs concerning renewable energy and where they explain what could be done to replace fossil fuels.

10.  Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

There is no clear relationship between each paragraph and the thesis. The author spends too much time on the first part of their thesis and not enough on the last two. They should also clearly explain where they are discussing each point within their thesis.

Style

11.  Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

The author jumps from topic to topic. This is a big problem within the first half of the paper when the author talks about everything from toxins, weather, and energy.

12.  Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

The title is interesting and right to the point. I think the author tries to get the readers’ attention but is someone lost due to grammatical errors and sentence structure.

13.  Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

The author does have some good closing statements and does not restate the thesis. They should have however gone through the paper and then written in the conclusion some of the most important points within each part of the thesis. This then leaves the reader still thinking about the paper and its purpose. A good closing statement would also be good to have too.

Research

14.  Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database.)

The author has more than 10 sources and at least 5 peer-reviewed ones.

15.  Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

The author seems to equally distribute information from all of the sources and not rely on just a few.

16.  Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

The in-text citations are done correctly, but some of the paraphrased information is not cited. This is very important!

17.  Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

They use everything on the Reverence list in the Essay

18.  Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

No, I feel that it is balanced. Paraphrases do need to be cited though.

19.  Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

There are no quotations.

20.  Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

No quotations.

21.  Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

No quotations.

Other?

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

Good Job! The paper looks a lot better than the last one. Just make sure to cut out unimportant information and cite everything that’s not your own writing.

Workshop Draft 2 whitney spies

Overall

 

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

The other uses good evidence to support her case, and she uses emotional pulls, like the cow anecdote in the intro, to draw in the reader and convince them.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

Yes, all these criteria are met.

Content

 

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

1734

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

I would call this about a 7.5 or 8. The topic is interesting – I never considered sustainable vs. organic before, and your paper makes a great point and terrific argument.

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

I think everything was clear.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

None that I can think of at the moment. Good job.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

Yes.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

Yes, all the content seems relevant to the thesis, and all the parts of the thesis were discussed.

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

Yes, the essay was fairly easy to read.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

Yes, I liked this intro. The anecdote about the cow is a great way to pull in the reader. Good thinking! Just proofread it I think you had a couple mistakes, like a small word missing or something. Nothing a quick proofread won’t fix.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

Yeah, I liked your conclusion too. It sums up the paper without sounding like a summary, and it convinces the reader. Great job there.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

Yes.

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

There seems to be a variety of sources.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

Yes, I believe these were all correct.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

Not that I see.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

Well, there is a lot of evidence used, but it all fits in nicely and the author does a good job of making her opinion clear through her use of this evidence, so it reads well.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

No.

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

No.

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was. 

All the quotes seem relevant and supportive.

Other? 

 

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

I liked your paper! It was a really original topic, and you made a great point! I’m convinced by your paper. Just proofread an expand a bit for the final draft, you should be good to go! Good job!

Workshop Draft 2 for mattiebly

Overall

 

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

Is very clear about their thesis and what their point of view is on the subject.

She does a good job connecting each paragraph to the next, and using evidence to support her case.

Between the paragraphs that are talking about the same subjects, the transitions are fairly smooth, but between the paragraphs talking about different divisions of the thesis, it seems to jump without a smooth transition. Try to connect all the paragraphs so it reads smoothly and flows logically.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

 

Thesis

 

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

Yes, all these criteria are met.

Content

 

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

1670

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

I would say about 4.5. It’s a good subject, but the writing style lacks conviction, and I found it difficult to keep my mind on what I was reading. Try to put more passion into it, make the reader feel like they should read it and take the same stance on the topic. Make it interesting.

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

I think pretty much everything was defined or explained, I wasn’t confused about anything mentioned.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

None that I can think of. Just the counter argument you already addressed from your thesis.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

Yes.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

Yes, all the content seems relevant to the thesis, and all the parts of the thesis were discussed.

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

Again, within the same division of the thesis, transitions between paragraphs were smooth. It’s the transitions from the different reasons in your thesis that needs to be better connected.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

The intro is actually pretty good, it introduces the subject and makes the reader want to know a bit more.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

Yes, it sums the paper up pretty well, but it is a little bit like just a list of sentences from each paragraph. It was a little redundant. Try to sum up the paper without just restating things you’ve already said in one big list.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

There are at least ten sources, but I think there are only about 4 peer reviewed ones. Get a few more for the final draft.

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

There seems to be a variety of sources.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

Yes, I believe these were all correct.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

Not that I see.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

Although the author’s opinion is made clear in the thesis, the essay seems to be mostly facts and statements from sources, and not much opinion from the author. That makes the paper a bit dry and boring.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

No.

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

No.

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was. 

All the quotes seem relevant and supportive.

Other? 

 

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

The second paragraph reads like a giant list of facts and statements, one after another. It’s difficult to read, it turns the reader off because it is just one long bombardment of dry facts. Try to add some more of your own opinion and insight to the paper to get more conviction and excitement. Good job overall.