EC Workshop #2 for E. Spies

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

Strong viewpoint

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

Unable to contact

 

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes

 

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

Yes.

 

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

1734

 

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

7/10

 

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

Seems to be good

 

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

Who wants these definitions to be changed?

 

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

yes

 

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

Yes

 

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

The transitions are good

 

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

I don’t think the introduction should need cited sources.
Yes.

 

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

Just restates the thesis. I don’t have my handbook available but look for suggestions on how to fix this in there.

 

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

Yes

 

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

All sources

 

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

Yes

 

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

I did not see any

 

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

No

 

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

No

 

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

No

 

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

No quotations

 

Other?  

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

There are some grammar issues throughout the paper.

I wouldn’t have a sentence that needs a cited source as the second sentence in your paper. The introduction needs to be better.

EC workshop #1 for D. Mondok

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

Facts and statistics

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

Unable to contact

 

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

The thesis reads kind of awkward with grammar issues

 

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

No. Yes.

 

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

2537

 

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

Brutally honest here, I give it a 3.

 

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

Not needed in my opinion

 

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

Alaska’s fishing economy

 

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

yes

 

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

Looks OK

 

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

The transitions are good

 

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

I don’t like the first-person use and the title is so-so. Try to come up with a more interesting title.

 

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

Yes

 

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

No

 

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

Looks to be pretty equal

 

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

Don’t have my Hacker handbook so truthfully I’m not 100% sure

 

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

I did not see any

 

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

No

 

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

No

 

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

No

 

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

No quotations

 

Other?  

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

Watch your grammar. Consider removing all use of first-person. It’s truthfully hard to read with all the numbers and figures.

Draft #2 Workshop for K. Johnson

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

A lot of good targeted, specific information

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

Unable to contact

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

Yes

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

1521

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

Brutally honest here, I give it a 5!

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

8^th paragraph could use more information on the EPA regulations

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

There should be more research about effects on children before anything is changed

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

Paragraph 6

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

Looks OK

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

The transitions are generally OK

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

The opening and title are both good

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

In my opinion the conclusion is a tad abrupt and could use some refining.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

Yes

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

Looks to be pretty equal

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

Yes

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

I did not see any

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

No

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

No

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

No

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

No quotations

Other?  

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

You need to read this entire draft aloud and consider changing around some of the stuff that sounds awkward. There are a lot of awkward moments in this paper.

E.C. Workshop for K Sheldon

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific. The author is able to grab my attention with the title. The paper is well written and interesting

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions. The draft does not meet the word count criteria

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?  Yes

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?  Yes, it is not bolded or underlined. It is italizsized and should be changed.

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?  1302

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest! 7

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?  I think that the ideas could be better developed and there could be more research done on the topic.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise? I don’t know what anyone would be able to object to unless they are lazy and do not believe in recyling.  I know part of the problem would be cost of having a recyling center.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.  She could come up with some great ideas for cheap recyling or ideas that other communities have been able to use to start a center.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection? Yes

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic? Yes

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?  Yes

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restate the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C). Yes

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database). Appears to be

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis? Yes, I think that the paper relies on a couple sources and uses their own opinion a great deal.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting? Yes

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not). Not that I can tell.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report. Yes

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines? No

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays NO

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was. No

Other?  

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?  I thinkt that the paper is well written and interesting. I think there could be a lot more on the topic to be written about. I would expand on your word count. I enjoyed it and good job.

E.C. Workshop for S. Zhang

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific. Good introduction. Very strong opener.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions. Thesis

There are a lot of grammatical errors in the paper. It seems like the paper is very long but rushed through if that makes sense.

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph? Yes the author does

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References? 2693

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest! I would give it a 7 for interesting. Not that the paper isnt good persay, but I don’t find fossil fuels fun.

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader? There are a lot of misconceptions about fossil fuels and the abundancy of them on the earth. For instance drilling at ANWR. That is a huge debate and I do not find that in the paper at all.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise? The use of fossil fuels as a good source of energy

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

yes

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

yes

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?  Yes and no. There are some great transitions and some parts where the topic seems to go back and forth.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?  I think the title isnt very interesing. The opener is well thought out however nothing that I havent heard a million times before.

 

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restate the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

yes

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database). Yes

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis? No

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting? Yes there appears to be

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not). No

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report. No

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines? Not that I can find.

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essaysn No

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was. No

Other?  

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

Dradt # 2: Workshop for Z Zhang

1.  What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.  The author revised his opening statement and it is much better than the original. It makes a good opening statement for interest purposes.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions. Thesis

I think it is well written

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

Yes it is

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References? 1628

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!  I think that compared to the original paper I would give it an 8.

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader? I think that paper is well thought out and put together. There is clarification and good concepts.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

I think one might be able to argue the point of view of humans being a threat to birds and infectious diseases.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

Yes, I agree with his point of view.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

Yes

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic? Yes there are

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?  Yes it does. He revised it quite a bit and its much more interesting and grabs the readers attention.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restate the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

There really isnt a conclusion again… It continues to discuss cats and their negative effects on birds.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database). Yes

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis? No

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting? Yes

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not). Does not appear to

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report. I believe so

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines? Not that I can see

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays? No

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was. I cannot find any

Other?  

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?  Again I will suggest writing a conlsuion to wrap up the introduction and the paper as a whole .

E.C Research Draft 2 Workshop for K. Roseberry

Overall

1. 1.      What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

The author provides background information on polar bears and does an excellent job strengthening her thesis through her research.

1. 2.      Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

I didn’t have too many concerns with this draft. I did notice a few grammatical errors. There were some in the first paragraph and throughout. I would just make sure to read your draft out loud and thoroughly check your paper.

Thesis

1. 3.      Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

The author clearly expresses their opinion with a lot of detail and factual information. They also provide strong evidence in supporting it.

1. 4.      Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro    paragraph?

The author follows the formant as well as bolds their thesis statement.  

 

Content

1. 5.      How many words is the draft, not including References? 

1,927 words

1. 6.       On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

It was an 8.5. The author’s introduction was good in enticing you to read the paper. I liked having the visuals of the polar bears in my head while reading.

1. 7.      Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

I think that the author has done a really good job of developing ideas and has clearly explained and proved their ideas with factual information.

1. 8.      What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

Why do the Alaska Natives feel that the polar bears are fine?

 

1. 9.      Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

No, the author has not. They could briefly within each section of their thesis or even make it its own paragraph on the argument with the Alaska natives.

1. 10.  Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

There is a very clear relationship between each paragraph and the thesis. The paper flows fairly well.

Style

1. 11.  Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

The author sticks to each topic and flows into the next. Transitions are smooth.

 

1. 12.  Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

This was my favorite part of the essay. The author does an awesome job and allowing you to visualize the problem and it entices you to read more. The title is informative and interesting.

1. 13.  Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

The author does have good closing statements and restates some of her main points without restating her thesis. I would reword the first sentence of the conclusion and not say, “As I have pointed out.”

Research

1. 14.  Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database.)

The author has more than 10 sources and I think has at least 5 peer-reviewed ones (I’m not sure about the proquest ones.)

1. 15.  Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

The author use all of their sources equally.

1. 16.  Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

The in-text citations are done correctly and use in the appropriate places.

1. 17.  Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

They use everything on the Reverence list in the Essay

1. 18.  Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

No, I feel that it is balanced.

Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

There are no quotations.

1. 19.  Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

No quotations.

1. 20.  Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

No quotations.

Other?

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

 

Good Job! I really enjoyed it and it was actually interesting to read!

 

Essay 3 Proposal – Lighting the Way: One light bulb at a time

 Essay 3 Proposal – Lighting the Way: One light bulb at a time

Kimberly Johnson

English 213

Many Americans are hearing of ways to lower emissions, conserve energy and protect the planet. One simple method is commonly overlooked as a useful solution for lowering emissions and conserving energy. Traditional light bulbs are used for lighting nearly everywhere around the world. This major worldwide use gives rise the need to lower energy used in lighting, creating a more efficient means for lighting the world, which involves changing our light bulbs. Switching to energy efficient light bulbs is a more productive method for everyone to follow. It is a simple solution and gives large results, despite many people feeling switching a light bulb is not very helpful as a solution to conserving and lowing emissions for the world. It has been found that if every American just replaced one light bulb with an energy efficient light bulb, the energy saving results are enough to light 3 million homes for a year as well as save roughly 600 million in annual energy costs and prevent 9 billion pounds of greenhouse gas emissions per year (Light bulbs for consumers).  Results such as these demonstrate the usefulness of the movement for people to switch light bulbs with energy efficient light bulbs. Everyone should participate in switching traditional light bulbs to the alternative energy efficient light bulbs. Although the office of AMG at UAF is small, employees should switch the light bulbs to energy efficient bulbs because it would lower emissions, save energy and allows energy to be in used in different areas instead of business lighting. 

The energy used throughout the world continues to rise and affect the environment. By switching to high-energy efficient light bulbs everyone can contribute to providing a solution to the damages that are occurring to the environment due to human-made overuse of energy. Energy efficient light bulbs use less energy then what are traditionally used. Energy efficient light bulbs also last a lot longer then traditional bulbs and produce less heat, which increases safety standards for light bulbs as well, not to mention save money on buying fewer light bulbs. These benefits show that switching light bulbs to energy efficient light bulbs is beneficial and need to be done. Lowering greenhouse gases is commonly known to be important for the environment. Human-made pollution is continuing to rise and effect the environment negatively.  Energy efficient light bulbs are a constructive solution to lowering emissions. The office called Advanced Materials Group (AMG) at UAF is a small research office. There are four employee offices in this building with roughly twenty traditional light bulbs. If this office changes just the office lights it would bring environmental and economic benefits. This initiative taken by employees would lower emissions created from greenhouse gases.

The use of energy efficient lighting will allow the office to save money and energy. In turn, this would allow the saved money to be put towards research projects instead of lighting. Just by conserving energy it lowers the amount of greenhouse gas emissions as well.  Since traditional light bulbs do not last as long, replacing them with energy efficient light bulbs is a great way to conserve energy since they last so much longer and use less energy to produce the same function as traditional light bulbs.

Conserving energy and lowering emission are not the only benefits from switching to energy efficient light bulbs. The energy that would otherwise be wasted in traditional lighting can be reallocated to other energy needs. Reallocating energy is a great way to use conserved energy.

Lowering emissions, conserving energy and allowing energy to not be wasted and used in other areas instead of lighting demonstrate the promise that energy efficient lighting brings. The office has only a few offices and each member could easily change the light bulbs with an energy efficient light bulb in there own office. It would be a simple way for the employees to lower emission costs, protecting the planet from harmful greenhouse gases.

Switching lighting is simple and would not need to be done often since energy efficient light bulbs last much longer then traditional lighting. AMG can easily participate in an easily attainable solution to help the environmental damage that is currently happening. Current lighting systems around that nation are wasting energy and producing large amounts of greenhouse gases. If AMG takes a small step it can bring forward great advantages to the environment while saving money in lighting as well as save time by not needing to switch lighting as often.  Taking incentive to move away from the use of traditional lighting to energy efficient lighting is easy and beneficial. Save energy and reallocate what would have been wasted on lighting to be used in different areas for energy needs.

Reference List:

Light bulbs for consumers. Retrieved from U.S Environmental Protection Agency website: http://www.energystar.gov/index.cfm?fuseaction=find_a_product.showProductGroup&pgw_code=LB

Research Draft 2 Workshop for K. Roseberry

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

     The author uses  imagery in a way that is captivating. I love reading that the polar bear walks “as quietly as the falling snow. “ The reader can’t help but nod their head in agreement that a polar bear must be very quiet indeed. How quiet? As quiet as the falling snow! It’s a great way to give the reader something to understand and relate to.

      The author also does a great job connecting the dots on the issues discussed, making it clear to the reader exactly why the ice melting is an issue for the polar bears .  When she states that the harder the bear works, the more energy they use and the more they need to eat, it really made me stop and think about the severity of the issue and how these problems are a bit of a domino effect, and therefore we should care because the effects probably won’t just stop with the bears…

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

                I sent an email asking this but may have not allotted enough time for a reply.; I apologize.

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

Yes

Content

5How many words is the draft, not including References?

1, 927 Words

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

8

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

She did a really great job thoroughly explaining the issues at hand.  Is there a way to  throw in a snippet about why the Inuit believe the polar bears will survive,  when their future looks so bleak, and then debunk that belief using all this awesome information?  That might further help support the author’s views.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

Well, as the author states, the Inuit believe the bears will be fine. That’s an opposing view.  Another may be that, if the Inuit already don’t have a limit on their hunting while the bear is on the endangered list, then will taking them off the list really affect anything, seeing as they can already harvest as much as they like anyways?  This may be misunderstanding on my part.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

Yes, to some degree she has addressed them, but I do think the areas mentioned above might strengthen the report even more.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

 Yes.

Style

11.Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic? Great transitions.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

Very attention catching; it sounds so beautiful and majestic. You just want to keep reading about this noble creature, the polar bear.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

Yes, the conclusion logically follows the thesis. 

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

Yes, 10 sources, at least 5 peer reviewed.

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

 Uses them all.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

Yes, to both.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

No

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

No.

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

The quotations used seem well placed and help with the flow of the report.

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was. 

The quotations are commented upon.

Other? 

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

You do a great job making the report flow well; the information seems well researched and is laid out in a clear, easy to understand way. Thanks for letting me review it.

Research Draft #2 Workshop for K. Sheldon

WORKSHOP TEMPLATE
1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.
The author does a great job asserting her opinions about people’s responsibility to recycle- this comes across very clearly in this research paper. It is hard to come up with excuses not to recycle when she offers so many solutions for people in very different situations. The author is also incredibly creative with those solutions.
2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.
I did not hear back from the author.

Thesis
3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?
Yes
4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?
Yes, the thesis seems to fit the format and it is italicized in the first paragraph.

Content
5How many words is the draft, not including References?
1,302 words

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!
Well, the report did not keep my interest while I was reading it. We hear so much about recycling today that without some real attention grabbing info, it’s easy to let the mind wander. I think there was some good points in there, and with a little more work, the report can become more interesting.

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?
I am not sure this fits this question, but I read this fact: “The EPA states that 75% of waste is recyclable, but only about 30% of that waste is actually recycled”, and thought it could easily be the opening statement of the whole paper. It is a great fact because it is astonishing. It makes the reader wonder why people aren’t recycling more if there is so much possibility to do so, and not only does it make the reader want to continue reading, but it also paves the way for the author to state their opinion about the importance of recycling.
One spot that could use clarification is in the paragraph with the statement about Americans feeling their lives are too hectic to be bothered with silly recycling. The paragraph goes on to talk about how it can even cost more to recycle than to produce a new product. These statements do not help the author’s point of view; in fact, they seem to support the opposite, that recycling is not important. By associating “recycling” with “silly”, the reader is encouraged to agree that recycling is silly. I see how the author is trying to counteract different points of view, but there is not enough evidence debunking the silliness and the worthwhileness of recycling in that paragraph. Perhaps making some statement comparing the long term cost of continuously creating new products vs. the short term cost of recycling would help strengthen the paragraph.
Also, more examples of what one would find if they googled recycling, as suggested by the author. Do the work for the reader, because they probably won’t do it themselves.
8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?
It cost too much, takes too much effort, it’s not available in the city, it takes a lot of fossil fuels to process the recycled matter.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.
Yes, the author has dealt with most of those objections.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?
The relationship between each paragraph and the thesis is not quite clear. There was a great point about how putting the car away and walking or bicycling is a good choice, but how it fits into reducing, recycling, or reusing is not clear. Maybe an author-initiated association between what is being reduced or recycled would help.

Style

11.Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?
A few more transitioning words and phrases would help smooth the report. There is a point where the author is describing googling recycling on the internet and a how organizations over the net will help recycle, then jumps to the next paragraph about kids recycling in school, then the next paragraph goes back to internet recycling of larger house building materials. As a suggestion, I think switching these paragraphs around so that the internet recycling is all together would help the report flow together.
12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?
Although the author is clearly passionate about what she is saying, the opening did not quite capture my attention. There is so much talk about recycling these days that it is easy to not be moved by the importance of it all without some clear, cold hard facts that shock a person into caring. The reader should be convinced to care before trying to convince them you are right.
13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).
Strong ending that follows where the thesis was heading. I think the last line could be spruced up a bit; instead of telling the reader they are mistaken that they won’t help recycle, maybe challenge them to commit to doing one of the things you have suggested.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).
There references list at the end of the paper is long, but the sources in the paper are short. I only found a few.
15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?
There were a few sources used.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?
No. There are facts about cans and the Empire State Building that seem like they would require a source.
17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).
Yes, there are many references listed that are not sourced in the essay.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.
No, there is more personal opinion.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?
No.

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.
No.

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.
Yes, they seem to be commented upon.
Other?

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?
You have a lot of great points in your paper, but sometimes they get lost without a clear idea of where this report is headed. You have a lot of information to share, which is great, it just needs a little better structure to help make it really easy for the reader to understand what you are saying; in return, it will be easier for them to support your opinion. Here is a link to an article titled “The Five Features of Effective Writing”. http://www.learnnc.org/lp/editions/few/683. I read it while researching how to write essays at the beginning of this class, and found it pretty helpful in understanding some key parts of writing a good paper. I think it could help you deliver all the great information you have. Thank you for letting me read it! You have a lot of neat ideas and are good at writing with passion.