Archambo Workshop Draft 2

Overall

1.What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

Overall, I thought you did a fantastic job of stating your argument and backing it up with research. The topic you chose is clear and specific, so the paper is very educational.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

Were there any specific challenges you faced in writing your second draft? It’s the very end of the class so good luck with them if so!

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Absolutely. It’s apparent to the reader that your position is one that strongly opposes the human populations overuse of plastics and the negligence involved with their disposal, causing this marine tragedy.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

Yes, your thesis follows the format and outlines your following arguments very well. It is also bolded and in the appropriate place.

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

1857

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

This draft went up by quite a bit, I would rate it maybe an 8. I thought the paper was very interesting and the subject matter concerning, and you offered some entryway into doing whatever possible to stop contributing to the problem. There are still some small issues with readability, like a few awkward sentences.

7.Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

You went into more detail regarding the problems created by cruise lines which I was happy to see. The paper also expanded on the explanation of what exactly the garbage patch is, and where it is. You did this immediately in the opening paragraph, explaining that it lies between the United States and Japan. I also appreciated the details provided about the effects of plastic pollution on marine life.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

From your first draft and this one, I could see that counter arguments or objections to your position could be regarding the size of the ocean vs. the amount of pollution that forms the garbage patch, and defensiveness in terms of the usefulness of plastics.

9.Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

I liked that there are some comments in your closing paragraphs about plastic alternatives and the fact that plenty of communities are on board already with these, as there is a lot of profit and defensiveness regarding plastic by the plastic and oil industries. There is also quite a bit more information on exactly what is so harmful about the breakdown of plastics and Styrofoams, and your expansion on the size of the garbage patch really puts the problem in perspective.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

I thought that your paragraphing was very organized and corresponded to your introduction paragraph and thesis.

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

I think your transitions are good. I would consider changing the positions of the fifth and sixth paragraphs, like reversing their order.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

I wasn’t shocked and appalled by the existence of the garbage patch itself this time because I read your first draft, but I was still moved. I think the essay’s opening is better than the first time because it’s more informative. Again, I still think the use of phrases like “finds its way” and “makes its way” remain overused.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

I still like your conclusion, and I think you worked to validate your claims and relate the claims back to your topic. Your conclusion makes it clear that you are advocating for a change because of a terrible thing that you have worked hard to describe.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

Whoa….you have bunches….25?

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

Seems like you used your resources only one at a time, not really repeating them except for a few in the beginning.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

Yes, except for the suggested website as a recycling resource. It’s possible that should be cited.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

I counted a few times, and got 13 and 14 in the text. Do you have things in the resources that are not in the paper? I know that’s a problem.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

I believe the paper is appropriately opinionated and use of resources is good, again, besides the potential problem of listing resources that you didn’t cite in the text.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

No, they were good.

20.Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

See above! You did a great job paraphrasing.

21.Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

Your quotation at the end of the second paragraph could probably have been paraphrased.

Other?

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

Way to go! Good luck!

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