Archambo Workshop Draft 2

Overall

1.What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

Overall, I thought you did a fantastic job of stating your argument and backing it up with research. The topic you chose is clear and specific, so the paper is very educational.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

Were there any specific challenges you faced in writing your second draft? It’s the very end of the class so good luck with them if so!

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Absolutely. It’s apparent to the reader that your position is one that strongly opposes the human populations overuse of plastics and the negligence involved with their disposal, causing this marine tragedy.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

Yes, your thesis follows the format and outlines your following arguments very well. It is also bolded and in the appropriate place.

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

1857

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

This draft went up by quite a bit, I would rate it maybe an 8. I thought the paper was very interesting and the subject matter concerning, and you offered some entryway into doing whatever possible to stop contributing to the problem. There are still some small issues with readability, like a few awkward sentences.

7.Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

You went into more detail regarding the problems created by cruise lines which I was happy to see. The paper also expanded on the explanation of what exactly the garbage patch is, and where it is. You did this immediately in the opening paragraph, explaining that it lies between the United States and Japan. I also appreciated the details provided about the effects of plastic pollution on marine life.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

From your first draft and this one, I could see that counter arguments or objections to your position could be regarding the size of the ocean vs. the amount of pollution that forms the garbage patch, and defensiveness in terms of the usefulness of plastics.

9.Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

I liked that there are some comments in your closing paragraphs about plastic alternatives and the fact that plenty of communities are on board already with these, as there is a lot of profit and defensiveness regarding plastic by the plastic and oil industries. There is also quite a bit more information on exactly what is so harmful about the breakdown of plastics and Styrofoams, and your expansion on the size of the garbage patch really puts the problem in perspective.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

I thought that your paragraphing was very organized and corresponded to your introduction paragraph and thesis.

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

I think your transitions are good. I would consider changing the positions of the fifth and sixth paragraphs, like reversing their order.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

I wasn’t shocked and appalled by the existence of the garbage patch itself this time because I read your first draft, but I was still moved. I think the essay’s opening is better than the first time because it’s more informative. Again, I still think the use of phrases like “finds its way” and “makes its way” remain overused.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

I still like your conclusion, and I think you worked to validate your claims and relate the claims back to your topic. Your conclusion makes it clear that you are advocating for a change because of a terrible thing that you have worked hard to describe.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

Whoa….you have bunches….25?

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

Seems like you used your resources only one at a time, not really repeating them except for a few in the beginning.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

Yes, except for the suggested website as a recycling resource. It’s possible that should be cited.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

I counted a few times, and got 13 and 14 in the text. Do you have things in the resources that are not in the paper? I know that’s a problem.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

I believe the paper is appropriately opinionated and use of resources is good, again, besides the potential problem of listing resources that you didn’t cite in the text.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

No, they were good.

20.Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

See above! You did a great job paraphrasing.

21.Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

Your quotation at the end of the second paragraph could probably have been paraphrased.

Other?

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

Way to go! Good luck!

Workshop 2: Nicole Lamers Research Paper Rough Draft 2

1. 1.      What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

I really like her thesis statement and I think that she has very good transitions.

1. 2.      Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

 

1. 3.      Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

There seems to be a little opinion, but overall it lacks opinions.

1. 4.      Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

yes

1. 5.      How many words is the draft, not including References?

2,467

1. 6.      On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

Like I wrote last time environment is not really my thing, so it is really hard to say. Though I have to say some parts interested me, but at some points it is fact after fact and you don’t break up the facts with opinions.

1. 7.      Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

I think right in the beginning she should be throwing some examples and clarifying a little more to catch the interest of the reader.

1. 8.      What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

People who live pay check by pay check who live in the now may not see the environment as a concern to their food choses when they need to buy cheap food.

1. 9.      Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

She kind of deals with it in her conclusion by saying buy organic now and later down the road organic may become cheaper.

1. 10.  Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

I think she had pretty good connections through the paper.

1. 11.  Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

She has good transitions some paragraphs could use improvement, but she made what she wrote work.

1. 12.  Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

Her introduction catches my attention, then loses it, then catches it again. She explains organic and inorganic and that might be something to save for the first paragraph of your body and not a part of your introduction. I like the title.

1. 13.  Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

She brings the discussion back down to the conclusion.

1. 14.  Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

Yes

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

She has the sources spread about some sources are used more in different areas, but overall she doesn’t rely on just 2 main sources.

1. 15.  Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

Yes

1. 16.  Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

All of them looked like they were used.

1. 17.  Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

It looks like some of the quotations she has cleared up, but the ones she did use seem to be correctly used.

1. 18.  Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

Nope

1. 19.  Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

No she barely used any quotations.

1. 20.  Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

She quoted lists and some terms used, I don’t think it is necessary to comment after quotes such as these. I think that she did an excellent job with the usage of quotes.

Other?

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

Thumbs up and Good LUCK!

Zach Horner Research Draft 2 Workshop

1. A large amount of material is made easy to understand and is very organized.

2. Any concerns?

3. Thesis is great, explains focus well.

4. Thesis correct and bold.

5. Essay has 1,911 words not including references.

6. This is an easy nine. Very interesting topic with many different facets considered in depth.

7. More discussion of ghost cities and the effect on the local people would strengthen your argument and be interesting to the reader.

8. There are no clear solutions presented in the conclusion and no clear call to action.

9. Add some solutions or call to action in the conclusion. Should all dams be returned to original state? No new dams? What is a good alternative?

10. Each paragraph relates well to the thesis.

11. Mostly good, the 5^th paragraph to 6^th needs some work. A quote ends and the new paragraph does not start smoothly at all.

12. Opening is much improved and captures my attention nicely. Maybe move first sentence down into the paragraph more.

13. Conclusion is logical and complete but needs a call to action.

14. Draft contains 13 sources with over 5 being scholarly.

15. Sources are pretty equally used.

16. Citations are done correctly and vary in format (not just (blah, 2012)).

17. No unused sources.

18. Good balance of opinion to quotes.

19. No long quotes.

20. No.

21. The only quote needs commentary after it. This would also help the transition to the next paragraph.

Looks great! A good paper got even better.

 

Workshop 2: Sarah Post Research Paper Draft 2

Overall

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.
I really enjoyed your research paper. The detail you added about the medical effects was great. Also the way you went more in depth about what MTR is and the different results of it.
2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.
Was there one particular area that you felt you had more issues with then others?

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis? Yes she does.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph? Yes the thesis follows the format we’ve been using and has been changed from italics to bold.

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References? 1850

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest! She bumped it up to about a 9. I really enjoyed it and all the added details.

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader? All the things I had pointed out in the first workshop have been addressed. Looks good.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise? The ones I could think of she did a really good job of adding more facts to address those concerns.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them. Yes she did a very thorough job of addressing them and adding articles to up her up.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection? All the confusion there was in the last draft has been fixed.

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic? I still noticed the same things as before with the mention of the animals and the flora. To me this just doesn’t read right. If you use animals you may want to consider using plants and same with the flora you may want to use fauna. It’s like mixing analogies that just don’t go together. All other concerns were dealt with.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title? I am going to stay with my original answer because it still works. Yes it does. I really like how she compares the Appalachian’s to the Rockies. Since I grew up near the Rockies it gives me a basis for comparison.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C). The conclusion brings it all together nicely.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database). I still only see 8.  Not sure if the two informational websites count as sources or not since they are added into the paper for the reader to read more about the social movements involving MTR.

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis? Yes. There are two sources that I counted more than twice, Holzman and Karem, Kalinski, and Hancher.  But this time it seems she is pulling in some others as well.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting? Yes

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not). Again not sure if these two should be counted or not, iLoveMountains.org, I just see it mentioned along with mountainjustice.org as other websites to check out for more information on this topic.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report. She cut down on the quotes.  It reads very well.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines? Not that I saw.

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays. No I think she went over it and took out all the ones I had noticed in the last workshop.

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was. Yes she fixed those as well.

Other
Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?
You did a really good job going back and adding more detail. I really enjoyed it!

Andra Woodard RESEARCH DRAFT 2 WORKSHOP

Overall

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific. I really like that there is a lot of information but it doesn’t read like a report, it’s more like a story.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions. Did you have trouble find info on the amount of animals left in the wild? I don’t know where to look for that, but it seemed like you were a little vague on how many of a species remained in the wild.

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis? Yes

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph? Yes and Yes

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References? 2093

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest! 8

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader? I really liked it. Still some comma placement issues (sorry, I’m a comma Nazi).

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise? Someone might say that the Orca’s are doing what they are supposed to be doing.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them. Yes

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection? Yes

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic? Easy transitions.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title? It captured my interest because I didn’t know this was happening.  I’m new to AK and I didn’t even know that there were Orca’s here!

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C). She used her final paragraph to wrap things up nicely.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).  Yes

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis? There are a couple that are used frequently, but I think she used all of them wisely.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting? I think so.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not). No way! I checked them all!!!! Good Job!

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report. Didn’t read as a report. It flowed nicely.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?  No

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays. No

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.  Very Nice.

Other?  

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy? I really liked it this time. It flowed nicely and had good information.

Sara Archambo: Austin Duckworth Peer Review for Draft 2

Overall

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

There is a LOT of information in the paper.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Was it hard for you to put so much information into the paper? Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions. There seems to be a lot of information, but it all doesn’t flow well together. It was hard to stay focused while reading it.

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis? Not really. There’s a lot of “it’s bad, but… or it’s good, but….” Maybe try and pick a side and talk about how to best get to that side.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph? The format is right, but it was not bolded and underlined.

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References? 1512

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest! About a 5. The info was good, but there was nothing that made me go “OMG, I can’t believe that”.

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader? I think it would be better if the report flowed better. Also, picking a side, anti-oil or pro-oil might give you more ways to go with this.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise? I don’t think you could really have any objections because they were all addressed. By taking both sides, he has covered everything I could think of.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them. Yes

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection? Yes it is, but it just doesn’t seem to flow.

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic? Transitions are good.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title? I like that the title rhymes. ) I think the first paragraph is good, but you lost me after that, too many acronyms and big words.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C). I think you restated the thesis.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database). There are 10 listed in the References, but not all are used.

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis? All Sources

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting? I’m not the best at citing, but I don’t think everything that should have been cited, was cited. Look at the fourth paragraph.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

Brätland, Hall, Jernelöv, Khan, Liu, Okeagu, Rose, Schmidt, Uhlmann, Yann-Huei Song, and Yapa were all listed under References, but not cited in the report.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report. Definitely reads as a report. There really aren’t any opinions, it’s all facts.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines? No

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays. I don’t think the quote needs to be there, it could be paraphrased.

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.  Take the quote out.

Other?  

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

“spill of the coast of Alaska”-should be off, not of

You should explain what SSOR is after the first acronym, not the second time.

The second paragraph only has 3 very long sentences. It makes it hard to read.

“Deepwater Horizon oil rig nearly two years”-huh? I don’t understand this part of the sentence.

Your fourth paragraph has no citations and I think it should. This is not general knowledge.

Lanni Workshop – Draft 2

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

Well organized and the reference are posted.  Also, smooth transitions.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

No concerns

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

Yes

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

2,140

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

10

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

Well develop paper, an improvement from the first one, even though it was good too.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

That the benefits of the development of biofuels such as ethanol outweighs the consequences.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

Yes since it clearly explains the consequences and why it would not be a good idea.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

Yes

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

Mostly, except probably for a couple of spots.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

Yes it is very good, it makes your opinion very clear.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

Yes

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

Yes

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

Good use of sources.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

Yes.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

No.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

No.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

No.

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

No.

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

Yes, good use of quotations, well balanced with the author’s comments.

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

Very good draft, good improvement from the first.

Berrios Workshop 2

Overall

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

You did a much better job of organizing your research into distinct subjects; I could easily tell that the essay moved from animal welfare, to pollution, to human health concerns.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

Yes

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

2,869

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

I would give this essay a 5; however, if you made it easier to read by using less long quotes and more of your own words, it could be a 10 for sure.

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

I would suggest reducing the amount of quotations and adding more analysis for each piece of research.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

It could be argued that animal welfare is not an environmental issue.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

I think this objection was well addressed because your research explained how poor animal conditions can lead to other problems such as pollution/ antibiotic resistant pathogens, etc.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

No. Your thesis claims that you will be addressing 1) water consumption, 2) acid rain, and 3) water pollution. If acid rain is in your thesis, it needs to be in the body of your paper. The topics you covered most extensively in your body paragraphs (animal welfare) should be in your thesis.

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

Although I think this version is much more organized than the first, adding transitions would help improve the essay’s flow even more.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

The opening paragraph is very good, it makes your opinion clear and its quite persuasive.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

The first few sentences of your conclusion are very good, however I would suggest not introducing new research in the final paragraph because it is distracting.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

Yes

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

Good use of sources.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

Yes.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

No.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

Yes, I saw several quotes that were over 5 lines long. Your well over your word requirement, so I would suggest removing the lengthily quotes and instead summarizing the point they make in your own words in just a couple of sentences. Just make sure you still cite the material even though you put it in your own words.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

Yes.

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

Yes.

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

This area was greatly improved from your last draft, but I would still suggest using less material from your references and more of your own words. Reading through so much research makes it more difficult for the reader to stay engaged.

Other?  

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

Very good draft, very much improved from your first.

Zach Horner Research Draft 1 Workshop

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

The topic is covered in great depth and it is clear the research has been done. The amount of opinion and fact are well balanced.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

Have any concerns?

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Yes, hydro power is not clean energy.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

The thesis is in the right format and is the last sentence but is not bolded.

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

There are 1,909 words, not including references.

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

9, I didn’t know that hydro dams are that bad for the environment.

7. Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

The destroying of the filtering forests and the release of gasses into the atmosphere could use some development. Almost the entirety of the paper is on the release of gasses into the water.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

I cannot think of any objections, the research is sound and irrefutable.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

No objections, it’s just not a cleaner power source.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

There are 3 main points in the thesis and 7 body paragraphs, 3 of which do not relate to a main point. I would condense your paragraphs down to 3 and focus each on a main point. This will not be hard to do. Delete the 1^st body paragraph about how dams work; it does not support your thesis. Also, the last body paragraph should be deleted or parts put in other paragraphs; be careful about talking about endangered species because it’s not part of your thesis.

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

There are no easy transitions; each paragraph does not flow to the next.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

The opening is great but choppy. A little rewrite will perfect it. Deleting the 1^st sentence and combining the 2^nd and 3^rd will make it flow better. The title is perfect.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

The conclusion is excellent, it does not restate but reviews and it offers solutions and thoughts for the reader to take home.

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database)?

There are 15 sources, 9 just from EbscoHost.

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

The International Rivers Network is cited, mentioned, and/or used 7 times while 12 other references are never cited or mentioned.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

No, there is only one citation. The one citation is done correctly.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

12 references are never cited in the essay.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

There is more opinion then fact. There is an excellent balance between the facts and opinion.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

Yes, the entire 6^th paragraph is one quote.

20. Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

I know if it needs to be paraphrased; the one quote needs to be shortened somehow.

21. Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

There is no comment after the one quotation. The quote should be moved into the paragraph before and shortened greatly. It fits into the argument of that paragraph well.

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

“Cities, that were destroyed by the Three Gorges Dam reservoir released and unknown amount of human sewage, toxic waste, petroleum products and trash.”  This sentence has several typos and needs to be rewritten.

Works Cited should be called References.

Archambo Workshop Draft 1

Overall

1. What does the author do particularly well? Be specific.

Overall, you were particularly good at being concise! The ideas and arguments were clearly stated and the case was made in a very organized way.

2. Ask the author for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.

Were there any specific challenges you faced in writing your first draft? Please e-mail me one for any suggestions I could offer!

Thesis

3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis?

Absolutely. You are clearly of the opinion that this specific pollution is harmful in several ways.

4. Does the thesis follow the format we’ve been using (ALTHOUGH clause, argumentative claim, BECAUSE clause with 3 reasons of support). Is thesis bolded or underlined and in last sentence of intro paragraph?

You definitely followed the assigned format. I did see your first of the three supportive reasons as being a little bit redundant. You’ve already stated in the thesis that ocean pollution is the bad guy, so perhaps it would be helpful to replace “ because litter is finding it’s way out into the ocean” with another argument about why that matters. Maybe that point is better as information that sets up your extended concerns about it.

Content

5. How many words is the draft, not including References?

1596

6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest!

Maybe a 6. That isn’t because you didn’t do a good job, but the topic is sad and the paper didn’t turn it into a problem that could be overcome and then stir up passion to change it. Sometimes feeling powerless about a sad thing can cause disconnection, but when there is truly something to fight the fight response turns a set of facts into an interesting paper.

7.Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader?

In line with my comments above, one thing I thought was really good was the point about cruise lines refusing to pay for responsible waste removal. That was a point you could get fired up about. When it comes to the laws of the world that allow waste to be dumped in the open sea, or flow into the ocean by way of rivers you could beef those points up with explanations about why that happens or who benefits, where are the campaigns to change those things? You did a great job talking about reforms to change use of plastic bags, maybe some expansion on that as well.

8. What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise?

I know I’ve seen advertising campaigns promoting the plastic industry, showing all the ways that plastics improve or save lives. Perhaps there could be an objection in that area, however I can’t think of a lot of people who would think kindly of polluting marine life. It could also be suggested that the ocean is so darn big that a little trash can’t hurt, so maybe pay some attention to some extended consequences of this pollution.

9. Has the author dealt with these objections? If not, suggest some good places to deal with them.

You have dealt with some of the consequences of littering and what happens when trash is in the ocean, so maybe expand on this being specificity harmful with plastics and Styrofoam? In discussing litter washing up on beaches, you could discuss why that’s bad.

10. Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?

I thought that your paragraphing was very organized and corresponded to your introduction paragraph and thesis.

Style

11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?

Maybe both? The transitions are again very organized, you could possibly improve on the flow of the paper by finding some creative ways to open up discussion on a new aspect of your topic.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening? Does the essay have an informative yet interesting title?

It caught my attention because I actually had no idea that this garbage patch existed or that any garbage patch existed. I think that in noting that your title refers to the biggest one, and that it’s closest to the United States you could comment on what that implies and that might be a hook in terms of environmentalism as a nation. Your use of phrases like “finds its way” and “makes its way”, are possibly a little bit overused. Could a few of those throughout the paper be modified?

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction? If your buddy’s conclusion just restates the thesis, call him/her on that, and help them come up with a better conclusion. Maybe give them tips from the Hacker handbook (section C).

I liked your conclusion, because I think you’re right. I did have a “whoa” moment because you stated so very bluntly that as a society we are so lazy and it’s really screwed up a lot of things. While true, it’s a giant claim to make at the end of your paper without exploring any of the complexity to that giant claim. You could maybe bring in some of those really excellent and relevant pieces of information from your paper, like dumping from cruise ships or the insistence on disposable grocery bags and plug them into your conclusion as evidence of society’s destructive laziness.

Research

14. Does the draft contain at least 10 sources (5 peer-reviewed/scholarly sources from EbscoHost or another database).

I only count nine total sources, but I believe there are five of these that come from the appropriate peer-reviewed sources however I’m not totally sure about that.

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?

In the text your use of references seems pretty balanced.

16. Does the author use in-text citations after every quotation, statistic, paraphrase, idea and opinion borrowed from research? Are the in-text citations done in correct APA formatting?

Citation is my weakest area in terms of writing, but from my perspective you seem to cite every borrowed piece of information but maybe not correctly. I think you’re supposed to use page numbers if possible in APA. Also you titled what should be called “References” incorrectly as “Works Cited”.

17. Does the author have anything on the Reference list that is not used in the essay (she/he should not).

All of the references were accounted for in the text.

18. Does the author have more quotations/statistics/paraphrases/etc in his/her paper than personal opinion? Essay should read as an argument, not as a report.

I believe the paper is appropriately opinionated.

19. Are they any quotations that are longer than 2 lines?

Nope, they are short and well placed.

20.Are there any quotations that you think should instead be paraphrased? Remember that too many quotations lead to clunky and chunky essays.

See above! You did a great job paraphrasing.

21.Any quotations should be commented upon. They are there to support the author’s argument, not to make it. Does the author comment after every one? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.

I could tell you are definitely fired up about your argument enough to have done your research, perhaps the authors you have depended on for this information also have some inspiring points that you could pull out.

Other?

Is there any other feedback you’d like to give your buddy?

I found your paper to be organized, informative and convincing. Make sure you get it fixed up with all of those painful citation rules, infuse a little more passion and good luck!